Not Fracking

So today in news in the world, a 40-foot sinkhole sucked up a few million dollars worth of Corvettes in Kentucky. The ground just opened up and sucked ’em in. Naturally some hilarious people who have nothing to do with those cars are devastated, going as far as suggesting that flags be lowered to half-mast to “honor the fallen vettes.”

AWESOME.

There has been a lot of buzz around sinkholes lately, what with their vastly growing popularity amongst various segments of the Earth’s crust. In 2010, a really trendy sinkhole opened up in Guatemala, about 30 stories deep. That’s deep. Harrisburg PA has been really going all out for sinkholes, clocking in at over 40 sinkholes in just the one city. I looked into it and that means there almost SIX sinkholes for every ONE Starbucks. And in Assumption Parish, Louisiana lives a sinkhole 800 feet in diameter and growing

So if sinkholes are becoming more common, and it seems they are, what’s the cause?

What surprised me is that no one has yet realized that this is clearly another side-effect of the disintegration of our country’s moral fiber. There is an insidious force, hell-bent on profits, digging away at the very foundation under our feet in an attempt to make money. I’m talking, of course, about Moleman.

 

Image
This is the face of evil. (original by Kenneth Catania, Vanderbilt University, modified)

Even now he is probably racing his priceless vintage booty through the Mammoth Caves towards his secret lair. Of course he’s probably wrecked a few of them on account of he’s mostly blind… how is it that regular moles drive?

Anyways, I’m not worried. I know that when evil strikes, we must bury our heads in the sand and have faith! Yes, it’s only a matter of time before Super Ostrich shows up and pokes his bald head of justice into that shabby hole of misconduct.

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Lemme see that justice! (original by Jonolan, modified)

When he does show up, I’m sure there’ll be some epic battle with lots of special effects and explosions, and justice will take its course. And Corvette enthusiasts will rejoice at the end of all this mindless destruction caused by Moleman.

Not fracking.

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